My friends, they love my intelligence
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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