No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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