Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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