sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize