I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
