i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
