I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
