she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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