the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
