i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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