Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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