Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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