Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
