someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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