you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
