I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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