Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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