I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
