she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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