4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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