i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
