my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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