I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
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