I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
