I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
