Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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