When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
even my farts smell like vagina
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
