True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
