i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
