and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
