Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
