Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
