alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
