and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
