so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
