The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she peed on how many people?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sorry about my life...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
