clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm at about main and main street
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
