Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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