If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
