Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
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don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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