My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
