The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
