were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
