remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
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stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
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Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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