all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
God, I missed his penis.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
