I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
