Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
