if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am spending my child support on dildos
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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