Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
