At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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