Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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