dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
