All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
