the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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