Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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