worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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