all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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